MUM WALKS ON STAGE WITH MATILDA, WHO IS HER CHILD BUT IS CLEARLY AN ADULT MADE TO LOOK LIKE A PRECOCIOUS SCHOOLGIRL. THEY SAUNTER AROUND LOOKING AT THE SIGHTS, POINTING, OOHING AND AAHING. MATILDA CANNOT KEEP HER ATTENTION FOR VERY LONG AND MUM HAS TO KEEP PULLING HER ALONG.
MATILDA
I want to see the lions.
MUM
There’ll be lions and tigers. And zebras. You want to see the zebras’ don’t you?
MATILA HAS TO THINK ABOUT THIS, BUT SEEMS TO APPROVE.
MATILDA
And the big grey mice.
MUM LOOKS WEARY.
MUM
You mean elephants, dear.
A SLICK SALESMAN APPROACHES WITH A SMILE AS WIDE AS A PIANO KEYBOARD. HE HAS AN ARMFUL OF ASSORTED BROCHURES.
MATTHEW
Hello! (BIG SMILE) Thanks for coming to Creature Captivity Display Solutions.
MUM
Zoo.
MATTHEW
We don’t like to use that word.
SALESMAN PLAYFULLY RUMPLES MATILDA’S HAIR. MATILDA SHRINKS AWAY.
MATTHEW (CONT.)
Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Matthew; I’ll be your lion for today. (PROFFERS BROCHURE.) Here’s our price list. It’s ten pounds on entry, fourteen if you stay more than three and a half hours. There is also a charge per attraction: the giraffes are fairly steep but you’ll be happy to hear the monkeys are reduced.
DURING THIS, MATILDA HAS TAKEN A BROCHURE AND, AFTER EXAMINING IT WITH SOME CONFUSION, STARTS SETTING ABOUT RIPPING IT INTO TINY SHREDS. SHE WATCHES THE FLURRY OF PAPER CONFETTI IN AMAZEMENT.
MUM
Sorry, rewind. Don’t pull, Matilda. You just said--?
MATTHEW
(EVEN BIGGER SMILE) The admission charge goes up to fourteen points if you stay more than three and a half hours.
MUM
No, before that.
MATTHEW
We don’t like to use the word zoo—
MATILDA
No, the bit about the lion, dickhead.
MUM
Language, Matilda!
MATTHEW WAITS, AS IF THERE’S A PUNCHLINE COMING, BUT THE OTHERS LOOK AT HIM WITH INCREDULITY. HE’S OBVIOUSLY MISSED THEIR POINT, SO HE BRUSHES IT OFF AND GOES BACK INTO SALESMAN MODE.
MATTHEW
So, any questions? I have brochures. (OFFERS ANOTHER BROCHURE, WHICH MATILDA TAKES.) This one has a wonderful diagram of the penguin toilets.
MATILDA STARTS RIPPING UP THIS BROCHURE TOO. MATTHEW’S SMILE IS SLIGHTLY STRAINED.
MUM
How can you “be our lion”? You haven’t got—You don’t even have a—You’re not a lion!
MATTHEW
I understand your concern. If you don’t like lions, try Ken. Ken’s being doing lemurs for years. Just wait ‘til you see what he can do with his tail.
MUM
But you’re not a lion. And I bet Ken’s not a lemur, he’s probably just a... Ken. We came here to see animals.
MATTHEW
(PATIENT) Such sweet sentiments. Here at Creature Captivity Display Solutions, we aim to bring the client all the awesomeness of the natural world without the inconvenient danger of real animals.
MATILDA
I think you’re about to face the inconvenient danger of my mum kicking your arse.
MUM
Quiet, Matilda. Don’t be rude to the nice man. So there are no animals?
MATTHEW
Not ones that are technically real, no.
MUM
And you call yourself a zoo?
MATTHEW
(OVER-PATIENT) We’re not a zoo, we’re—
MATILDA
Middle-Aged-Men-Pretending-To-Be-Something-They’re-Not Solutions.
MATILDA GRABS FOR ANOTHER BROCHURE, AND MUM PULLS HER BACK.
MUM
Matilda, you’ll go to bed without any supper.
MATTHEW
Most of our attractions are listed in the brochures. (HE KEEPS THEM CAREFULLY OUT OF MATILDA’S REACH) There is one slight update: I should point out, we used to have a gazelle, but Jim ate him.
MUM
Oh dear. Is Jim one of the big cats?
MATTHEW
No, he’s our accountant. He’s just a bit greedy.
MATILDA
(GRABBING) He doesn’t even look like a lion.
MUM TAKES A BROCHURE, GLANCES AT IT, AND THEN ABSENT-MINDEDLY GIVES IT TO MATILDA.
MUM
You could at least wear costumes.
MATTHEW
Disney has costumes, but is Mickey Mouse really being Mickey Mouse? We emote from the inside. We capture the true essence of each creature right from our sole.
MATILDA
From what? (MORE RIPPING, MORE AGGRESSIVE THIS TIME)
MATTHEW
Our sole. Let me demonstrate.
MATTHEW GOES INTO A DEEP MEDITATIVE STATE BEFORE FREEZING INTO A VAGUE ANIMAL POSE, LEGS AKIMBO AND ARMS ARCHED.
MATTHEW (CONT.)
Panda!
HE CHANGES INTO A SIMILAR POSE, WHICH HE CLEARLY THINKS IS MASSIVELY DIFFERENT.
MATTHEW (CONT.)
Sea bass!
THE OTHERS LOOK NON-PLUSSED. EVEN MATILDA HAS STOPPED RIPPING. MATTHEW LOOKS FRUSTRATED.
MATTHEW (CONT.)
(BEAT) See that over there? That’s Herbert. He’s being an elephant.
MATILDA
Is that his--?
MATTHEW
That’s his trunk, yes.
MUM
Cover your eyes, Matilda.
MATTHEW
And there’s Bernard. Look, he’s being a hamster.
MUM
That’s better. A hamster, Matilda! Isn’t it cute?
MATTHEW
And look at those bulging cheeks.
MUM
Look away, look away!
MATTHEW
Do you want to see the snake house?
MATILDA
Yes!
MUM
Absolutely not! (PUTS HER HANDS OVER MATILDA’S EYES)
MATILDA
(PEEKING THROUGH MUM’S FINGERS) Ooo, look, it’s mating season.
MUM
(COVERS HER OWN EYES INSTEAD) That’s enough. We’d like to leave now.
MATTHEW
You can’t leave.
MUM
We certainly can leave. Come on, Matilda.
MATTHEW BLOCKS THEIR EXIT AND PLEADS WITH EVERY PART OF HIS BODY, SHORT OF GETTING DOWN ON HIS KNEES. MUM IS ASTONISHED WHILE MATILDA JUST LOOKS BACK INTO THE ZOO.
MATTHEW
No, you can’t! We need the money. The recession has hit us hard. My staff have bills to pay, families to feed. I’m worried the business can’t survive. People just don’t need animal impersonation theme parks.
MUM
And your accountant keeps eating people.
MATTHEW
Good people. Tasty people.
MUM
I’m not going to pay for a service if I don’t need it. And I definitely don’t need this.
MATTHEW
You don’t always need the National Health Service, but you keep on paying for that. Ha, I win!
MATILDA
(POINTS AS IF SEEING MATTHEW FOR THE FIRST TIME.) You’ve got the IQ of a donkey.
MATTHEW
But the spirit of a lion. Hear me roar.
MATTHEW, STAGE FRONT, CLAWS HIS HANDS, PUTS ON A FROWN, GIVES A TIMID, WHISPERED “RAAAH!”
MUM
No. It should be more like this.
MUM GIVES A MASSIVE, PRIMAL ROAR THAT SHOULD SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF EVEN THE BACK ROW OF THE AUDIENCE.
MATTHEW
Fuck me. Mummyyyyyy!
MATTHEW RUNS OFF SCARED, CRYING LIKE A LITTLE GIRL, BROCHURES GOOING EVERYWHERE. THE OTHER TWO WATCH HIS EXIT AS THEY SPEAK.
MATILDA
This hasn’t been the bestest birthday ever, mummy.
MUM
I’m sorry, Matilda. Next time, we’ll find a proper zoo.
MATILDA
I’d go as far as to say, at my formative age, this has left psychological scars that reinforce the interconnectedness between anticipation and disappointment.
MUM LOOKS BLANK, AS SHE TRIES TO PROCESS THE SENTENCE.
MUM
Oh.
MATILDA
And I’m rubbish at paper chains. (ONE FINAL BROCHURE CONFETTI FLURRY.)
MUM
There, there, my dear. Maybe the amusement park would be better. Do you want to go to the amusement park instead? (THEY START WALKING TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STAGE.) They’ve got rollercoasters especially for children.
MATTHEW SUDDENLY ARRIVES ON STAGE, BACK TO HIS CHEERY SELF AND CHUGGING LIKE A TRAIN. MUM’S FACE DROPS.
MUM
Don’t tell me. Without the inconvenient danger of real rollercoasters, right?
MATTHEW
Welcome to Track-Propelled Funfair Solutions!
MATILDA
(POINTS.) It’s that tosser again!
MUM
For once, Matilda, I couldn’t have said it better myself.
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