I am writing this letter of complaint because you keep leaving things in my pockets.
At first it was a joke like the time I lost my swimming costume and you hung it from the diving board, or the time I was doing practice swims and you replaced the chlorine with iodine, or the time you made your dog a costume using the skin of my cat.
But now you are putting things in my pockets. I need my pockets for important things like keys and housing forms and tissues and I know tissues are not important but this whole thing raises crucial hygiene issues.
This morning I found in my pockets a bad biro drawing of Philip Schofield with the old black hair he doesn’t have any more.
Please consider this as a cease and desist.